Oh, what a month or so!

Okay--it's been a month or so since I've taken a second to sit and write. Just haven't had the moment to do so....been an emotional one really. I've made some general comments about Kirk's cousin Shane asking for prayer and such. Well, two weeks ago tomorrow he passed into eternity. You may have noticed the Memorial slide show that I posted on here. I was trying to find a way to display it for the service and not have all the extras/ads ect. that ends up showing up and thought maybe if I used the blog it might work. No such luck. After messing with it literally like 12 hours (I am a technical retard!) I enlisted my Kayla (pastor's daughter and number one babysitter) to come over to the church at 10 pm the night before the memorial and got it put into a powerpoint presentation. Much better! Was well worth the efforts cuz I think it added so much to the service. I ended up singing and speaking at the service, and boo-hoo'ed quite a bit---down to the non-stopping drippy nose. My BFF Jess was suppose to sing it duet w/ me and had her own bad week--having had to run to the side of her brother who was in a serious car accident. Please pray for him. He's gonna make it but has months of rehabilitation ahead of him. Broke a couple ankles, femur, and a wrist so 3 out of 4 limbs out of commission on that poor guy! Anyways, managed to get thru the song w/ the exception of the last line I went vaclempt(is that how you spell it?). I thought I'd copy and paste what I said---in so many words. (I did a little bit of paraphrasing but you get the basic gist...). Throughout the 3 months or so I spent w/ him, I had written letters to him to document all he had been thru and to encourage him and such. Got to read most of them to him. So, I thought it was a good way to say good bye....Get the tissues. Here goes....

Shane's Memorial Service:
June 11, 2009

My name is Amy Doty and I am Shane’s cousin. My husband Kirk’s Aunt Darlene and Uncle Ron are Shane’s Grandparents on his mother’s side so that is how I tie into the story. I first met Shane several years ago while still dating my husband and came across Shane a time or two at the occasional family gatherings. He was a cute little red headed kid in the background then to me. It wasn’t until this last October that he caught my attention again. Our family was invited to a birthday party for Makenzie(Shane’s niece and Jenny’s daughter) at good old Chuckie Cheese’s. So we packed up the crew and went. While there, a young man caught my eye and I had a hard time not staring at him throughout the evening. The nurse in me kicked in and began to assess his appearance and try to figure out what could possibly be going on with him medically to be in such shape. He was painfully thin and muscle wasted looking and was eating like he was never going to get another meal. I inquired of Ron as to who that person was and when I heard it was Shane, I shortly thereafter had to excuse myself as I felt the tears coming on. How could that lively little red headed kid I had met in times past be this person? Ron explained further that Shane didn’t have any insurance and wasn’t getting any medical care for his Crohn’s disease. I,as a registered nurse, knew that there were many treatments available for Chrohn’s and so the idea of not seeking those treatments out for the sake of finances did not sit well. Kirk and I exchanged a look and offered to help. I went home and started making phone calls and calling in favors and made arrangements for him to get some treatment. Kirk spoke w/ him 3 or 4 times and each time he would consent to go and then cancel and finally said he was getting treatment elsewhere now thru disability and basically “Thanks but no thanks” was what we got so we decided to stand down. About 3 months passed and the end of February came and got a call from Mandy (his mom) saying he was doing very badly, falling and not able to get up off the floor, and she was very concerned. Three days later, out of the blue, the doctor friend of mine who I had asked for help from back in October asked me how Shane was and offered help again—completely unprompted by us---Interesting timing. Tried again to get Shane to accept the help and was turned down again. The very next day (Monday, March 2) he finally agreed to go to the ER. We went and saw him in the hospital room and he spent 95 percent of the time w/ his head under the covers hollering at his mom and unhappy. Got pretty awkward so we stepped out in the hall and found out in addition to his Crohn’s issues, his situation was complicated by the fact it was now known that he also had a drug addiction history and had been going to the Methadone clinic for over a year. As testing was ordered and he was evaluated over the next 2 days, a perforation in his bowel was found which would have been a death sentence had he not been in the hospital setting. Emergency surgery happened and he spent the next 3 weeks in ICU. It was during this time that Shane and I came to know each other better. The first week or so I did most of the talking as he was unable but as time went on, he got stronger and able to speak, and eat. Again, the nurse in me kicked in, and I had gotten the idea to write letters to Shane thru this whole journey in hopes of reading them to him someday so that he could hear of all he had been thru and to see how far he had come and to hopefully encourage him to press on thru that difficult time. I did get to read a lot of the letters to him and one of my favorite memories w/ him was at a time when he wasn’t really talking much but the one sentence I got out of him that particular evening was “Read them” when I told him I had been writing to him and about everything that was going on. Afterwards he was able to get out “I liked them” so confirmed my efforts were appreciated.
One month to the day of being in the hospital, it was decided to send Shane to a nursing home. I had printed off all the letters and presented them to him. I had continue to write them, but a little less intensive that the initial letters. He had a nursing home stay, another hospitalization, a week and a half at home during which time I saw him almost daily, another hospitalization and then a transfer to a rehab hospital after that. The last few letters I didn’t get to share with him. So, when I was trying to decide what would be the best way to sum up what Shane means to me, it only seemed right to do it in letter form given the history I had w/ him. Just seemed fitting. So, I thought I would share my last letter to him with all of you…….

Sunday, June 7, 2009 about 6:45 am

Dear Shane,
This is probably going to be the hardest letter I have written you to date because I know it will be the last. I had gotten a call yesterday about 4:30 pm from the nursing supervisor at Kindred Hospital that you entered eternity. She said they took every measure to bring you back to us but were unsuccessful in their attempts. They tried to call your mom but could not get a hold of her so they called me and I had to break the news to her. Was one of the hardest things I have ever done. How do you tell a mother her child is no longer living? Honestly, I don’t even remember what I said. I was pretty numb at the moment. Still feeling that way even this morning.
Guess the hardest part is that you slipped into the next life without anyone sitting at your bedside or holding your hand. I am guessing that it was peaceful since the staff said there was no indication that you were doing that poorly so that is one thing I can hold to in all of this. Of course, hind sight is 20/20 and I am kicking myself for having turned around from my drive to come and see you Friday night. I had called your room as I was in route to the hospital Friday night to tell you I was coming and to see if you wanted me to bring anything. Your roommate took the call and I could hear you speaking in the background saying you were not feeling like visitors. I decided to turn around and go home since those were your wishes, even though you had not refused a visit from me ever before in the last 3 months of all this sickness. Something did not sit well with me that night and I even told Kirk then that something just wasn’t right. Now it makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?
So, what else is left to say? Given the hours of sitting and talking at your bedside I think a lot of it was said then---time I will look back on and treasure. I can’t help but look back on the last time I visited you and wish that I said more than I did. That night you had wanted me to stay longer than the visiting hours allowed and told me to stay until security came and kicked me out. Such the rule bender you were, Shane. Of course, I wouldn’t and had to go. I remember you watched me walk out of the room and I turned and looked over my shoulder and you gave a little brave smirk and wave and said “See ya” and I responded the same “See ya” in return. Little did I know that I wouldn’t…….”see ya” again. That’s a tough reality.
Our relationship was a funny one ,Shane. I vividly remember a conversation we had in my van when I came to pick you up from your grandparents and bring you over to my house for an afternoon. You told me you didn’t understand why it was that I gave a crap and didn’t get what I possibly could be “getting out of all this”. I tried to explain it to you in a way that you could understand by using your niece Makenzie as an example and how when she was first born that you cared about her very much even though you barely knew her and the reason you cared for her is because of your love for your sister Jenny. Because Makenzie was important to Jenny and that you loved Jenny, then loving Makenzie was only natural. The same thing applied in our relationship. You are God’s child, Shane, and He loves you. And because I love God and you are important and loved by Him, it came very natural for me to have a heart for you as well. You looked at me like you thought I was a bit squirrely but I think you got it. At least, that is my hope…..that you knew you were loved and important and that you mattered.
I don’t understand why things went the way they did for you. I could never really find the words when you would ask me. But, that is not for me to say, I guess. All I know is that God has a plan far greater than anything I can wrap my human brain around and I am confident it will make sense someday.
I am gonna miss you, Shane. I am gonna miss our talks. (we did a lot of talking—I might have done just a little more of the talking than you---but just a little! LOL) I am gonna miss hearing you ask me often when I would visit “Aren’t you bored sitting up here? I would be so bored if I were you!” I am gonna miss the way your face would light up when I would come into your hospital room with a grocery sack of Gardetos or candy or Little Debbie snack cakes and watching you tear into my “gift” like a kid on Christmas morning. I am gonna miss the way you would spout off with some random fun fact about some obscure animal you learned about from your hours of watching the Discovery Channel. I am gonna miss watching Cash Cab with you and being in awe of your ability to answer some random question about Madagascar. I am gonna miss the way you tried to BS me to do something for you that was usually not in your best interest and when I wouldn’t buy into it, that funny smirk you would get on your face when you realized I wasn’t as easily manipulated as you might have thought. I will never again be able to pull up to a Taco Bell drive thru window and not think of you and you love for the chili cheese burrito. You have touched my life Shane. You have made me appreciate my family, my children, my health, my life, and my God more than I ever had before knowing you. And for that I thank you. My last hope for you is that somehow thru all of this that God got a hold of your heart and that for the first time in a long time your suffering is finally over. Thank you for letting me be a part of your final months in this life.

With much love,
Amy